the OB poo patrol

This is a tirade against low-life non-poo-picker-uppers, but ultimately, it's a story about respect.

This morning I took the twin terrors out for a walk in the beautiful, hot socal sunshine. We made quite a hike out of it, as it had been a couple days since our last long walk, and so were all relieved and happy to turn back onto our street for the home stretch. About a block in front of us walked a man and his dog. The man - friendly looking, nicely dressed in pressed khakis and a short sleeve collared shirt (trust me, that is "nicely dressed" for OB) - paused on the sidewalk to let his dog do his dog thang. As I walked closer, I saw that his dog had definitely assumed the "poop squat" position and thus, was assumingly taking his Numero Dos. Move along folks, nothing exciting to see here, right? Except that upon the man's dog completing his doody, THE MAN WALKED AWAY.

Now, living in Ocean Beach - the dog (crap) capital of San Diego, one sees a LOT of dog poop. Yes, it is as bad as one would imagine the dog (crap) capital would necessarily have to be but, you take the good with the bad. The good being dogs are welcome everywhere in OB; the bad being that dog poop winds up everywhere. It's disgusting. It's not limited to yards and parks, but often in the street, on the sidewalk, stuck in the tread of your shoe... suffice it say that despite there being LOTS of very responsible dog owners who not only pick up their dog's crap but others too, there are also lots of IGNORANT @$$H@TS who live or visit OB, such as nicely dressed dude in khakis.

So this scene is unfolding before my eyes 3/4 of a block ahead of me, and my little brain is trying to process what I'm seeing and it goes "...that guy...the dog...it went....and he just...AUGH!" While "Poo Vigilante" is not one of the causes I normally advocate, I became one at that precise moment. Visions of flaming bags of dog crap hurled mercilessly at this ignorant piece of pond beetle scum's immaculately pressed trousers danced in my head. Maybe because it happened on MY street? Maybe because I accidentally brewed myself decaf this morning? (haha, I don't even BUY decaf!) Maybe because I'm jobless and can't find better ways of occupying my time? I don't know what happened, which straw broke the poo nazi's back, but it did. I was fuming.

Duke & Sally & I hustled up the street to catch up with the perp and the perp's dog. As we trod past the scene of the crime, I made visual confirmation of a brand new, still stinking BIG ole pile o' crap right where I'd seen it all go down. I should pause to mention that his was not a little dog - not that size matters when it comes to picking up poo - but still. This was no dachshund-sized doody. This was the work of a working breed dog. I should also pause to mention that the nice owners of the yard in which his dog did his business, always have a big bag full of plastic bags with a sign on it that says "For the convenience of dog owners". I know this because sometimes I run out of bags (what can I say, except I have two dogs who poop a lot?) and have been thankful to use theirs. Yes, today, there were plenty of bags available within twenty feet of where his dog crapped.

The man and his dog make the turn from Narragansett onto Cable - across the street from the bus stop where several OBecians stood waiting for their morning municipal ride. Afraid that I was going to lose my nerve or lose him, I hollered out to him: "SIR! SIR!!! DID YOU FORGET TO PICK UP YOUR DOG'S CRAP BACK THERE?" and I gave him the biggest, saccharin-sweet smile as I yelled it, startling the bus stop people from their morning doze.

He stammered, something about "...ummm, yeah I'm going back to get it...." UH HUH. Riiiight. Sure ya are. But me, having this morning donned the crown of saccharin-sweet fake-nice princess of the OB Poo Patrol, gave him the benefit of the doubt and all I said was "OKAY, THANKS!!" and smiled at the people at the bus stop. I might've said "ok" however, I, and I'll bet most of the people at the bus stop, don't believe you. All signs are pointing towards total and utter BS on your part, "SIR," but you know what? I'm a nice person. I'll admit that I don't know you at all, or your circumstances, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you didn't see that bag FULL of plastic bags, even though there is a sign on it that says it's explicitly for dog poop, maybe you don't read English (though you seemed to speak it just fine). Maybe you're just a tourist and don't know about scooping poop from wherever you're from. Maybe you were having something of a stinky emergency yourself this morning, and couldn't spare the time or the spinal agility to bend over and pick up what's legally your responsibility. Maybe. All of these maybes are the only reason why I didn't get ghetto OB-style on you and raunchy dog's a$$ this morning.

I could've been a LOT nastier. I have two insane mongrels, one of whom hates other dogs, so I feel more empowered than I ought to in moments like this. My dog would never hurt you or your dog, but I guarantee he can scare the crap out of you both (pun so intended!) if I let him. Fortunately there's that whole "I'm a nice person" thing again, and I don't give in to every deliciously mean and naughty whim that crosses my mind. Even when I maybe should.

I could've picked up your dog's poop for you, but then what would that have accomplished? I often pick up other dog's crap because I don't want to walk in it and I don't want my dogs walking in it. It's not out of societal responsibility, it's out of disgustedness. So, yes I could have picked it up for you but then, guess what? I would've HANDED it directly to you for proper disposal, along with a few choice words about how you make all dog owners look bad by your ignorance and laziness and how you are indeed a douche.

No SIR, you as my elder and as a general member of society received the benefit of the doubt that you are due, if not necessarily deserved, in this instance. Personally, I know you are as full of crap as the yards you let your dog enter, and that you don't have any intention of going back to pick up the poop. Unfortunately, you have had the misfortune to have done this on MY route, so now I get to see once, even twice a day, whether or not you have kept your promise.

All I can say SIR, is that you've been proffered more respect than you have earned. Do the right thing and GO BACK AND PICK IT UP. If you don't, I hope to God that you're a tourist and leave OB soon, because if that pile is still there later today or tomorrow, I will assume you are a liar and will be on the lookout for you. Not in an insane "i'm a goin to hunt you down" sorta way, but much in the same way you came serendipitously into my life this morning, by chance. And if by chance I see you and your dog again, all due respect will be thrown out the window. And then this rant will become a recurring story as I detail what other crimes against humanity you commit within eyeshot.