HEY HEY HEY it's faaaaaat pandas

Panda gives birth to chubby twins
On Monday, a seven-year-old giant panda at the Chengdu Research Facility in China became a first-time mom, birthing twin cubs. The cubs, a male and female, weigh approximately 200 grams and 176 grams, respectively, which is considered overweight for newborn panda cubs.

Maybe the pregnant panda mom ate too many orange chicken panda bowls from Panda Express? To conduct some independent and highly unscientific research, we went to the local mall's food court. At 880 calories and 29.5 grams of fat, (you have to add the individual components together to get the total caloric value - shady) Panda Express has managed to turn what could have been a moderately healthy lunch into a blind orgy of caloric excess all smothered with gooey orange deliciousness. Just guess what popular and notorious fast food item has the same amount of fat and fewer calories? A Big Mac. The numbers. They don't lie. What other havoc is being wreaked upon society's health in the mall food court? At the rate of 175 new Panda Expresses annually, it's not as though Panda Express is hurting. Wish I could say the same about the effect on america's waistlines and cholesterol levels.

The more I pay attention to where my food comes from and what could possibly be in it, the more I begin to understand veganism. It's not so much about hurting poor animals as it "What the &*$@ has corporation X put into my lunch today?" I'm no foodologist (? tm, just in case) but I am definitely paying more attention to what I put in my mouth and in my belly because Panda Express Inc. is not in the business of looking out for my health. Come on Panda E! It's a new day and your consumers are not the ignoramuses we once were in the days pre-internet. Plus we are seriously jonesin' for some orangey delicious goo. Just make it low-fat, low-sugar, low-sodium, transfat-preservative-and chemical-free, and throw in a little vitamin C for good measure. That's all.

On the flip side, you have Panda Candy. All natural licorice, with hardly any chemicals, preservatives, etc., this is a company that is riding the nutritional wave, experiencing 30% growth over the past year. Panda Candy is doing so well, they're redesigning their packaging to tout all the nutritional goodness that is inside. Now, if only they would redesign the taste of licorice.